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WHAT TO SAY WHEN YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY
Copyright © 2014 H. Norman Wright
Published by Harvest House Publishers
Eugene, Oregon 97402
www.harvesthousepublishers.com
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Wright, H. Norman.
What to say when you don’t know what to say / H. Norman Wright.
pages cm
ISBN 978-0-7369-5847-9 (pbk.)
ISBN 978-0-7369-5848-6 (eBook)
1. Church work with the bereaved. 2. Friendship—Religious aspects—Christianity. 3. Interper-
sonal relations—Religious aspects—Christianity. 4. Consolation. 5. Communication—Reli-
gious aspects—Christianity. I. Title.
BV4460.W75 2014
248.8'6—dc23
2013048429
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or
transmitted in any form or by any means—electronic, mechanical, digital, photocopy, recording,
or any other—except for brief quotations in printed reviews, without the prior permission of the
publisher.
Printed in the United States of America
14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 / VP-JH / 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
Copyrighted material
Contents
You
Can Help . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
1. Called to Help. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
2. Don’t Be a Miserable Comforter . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 25
3. If You Want to Help, Listen . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41
4. Understanding What Your Friend Is Experiencing ..... 55
5. Understanding a Friend in Crisis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 73
6. Loss or Trauma?. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 89
7. The Hazards of Trauma.......................... 97
8. Helping Your Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 111
9. When Depression Hits . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121
10. Helping a Suicidal Friend . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 133
11. Say It in Writing . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 151
12. Praying for Your Friend. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 167
13. What to Do and What Not to Do. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 179
14. When to Make a Referral . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 193
Notes . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 197
Charts
Phases of Bereavement Intensity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 67
Phases of a Crisis. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 77
Ball of Grief. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 81
Recovery Time Line . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 107
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5
You CanHelp
In one small European village was a town square that held a special
statue. This statue was the pride and joy of the residents, but World
War II arrived, and soon the bombs began falling on the town. One
day the statue was hit and blown to pieces. The residents collected all
the shattered pieces and slowly did what they could to rebuild it. When
they finished the reconstruction of their beloved statue of Jesus, they
noticed that the only pieces missing were the hands. So they placed a
plaque at the base of the statue with these words:
Now we are the only
hands that Jesus has.
{
Isn’t this our calling to those around us? We are Jesus’ hands, as the
apostle Paul told the Christians in Corinth: “Praise be to the God and
Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God
of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that
we can com-
fort those in any troublewith the comfort we ourselves receive from God”
(2 Corinthians 1:3-4).
Many years ago (more than I’d like to admit), I was serving as minis-
ter of education and youth. A man by the name of Alan Loy McGinnis
attended our church while completing his graduate work. Since he was
also a minister, he would preach from time to time in the evening ser-
vices. One Sunday night he walked up to the pulpit and said, “Tonight
I would like to share with you what to say, what not to say, what to do,
and what not to do at a time of bereavement.”
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
6
Ours was not a note-taking congregation—until that moment. As
I sat on the platform I could see people reaching for offering envelopes,
prayer requests cards, or any other piece of paper they could find to
write on. I still have my notes from that evening. It was the first (and
unfortunately the last) time I’ve ever heard a message on how to help
another person at a time of need. Those in attendance that evening left
with a greater sense of confidence on how to help people.
Yes, we’ll be more likely to reach out if we know what to say. And yes,
helping a hurting person can be a bit scary. So if we have the desire to
reach out and help, why do we hesitate? Because we grapple with ques-
tions like “What do I say?” “What do I do?” “What should I avoid?”
We want to do the right thing and say what will help, but we’re not sure
what will accomplish that.
That’s where
What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say comes
in! This easy-to-read book offers the knowledge, wisdom, and resources
you need to confidently and competently help family, friends, and
acquaintances when they need comfort and support.
Help for You as Caregiver
Before becoming significantly involved in helping others, you need
to be aware of a problem that none of us are immune to. It has different
names, including
compassion fatigue, helper shutdown, or
helper burnout,
and it can happen to doctors, nurses, counselors, rescue workers, and
anyone involved in helping others. It seems to be a case of emotional
contagion—you end up catching the disorder of the person you’re
helping. You become emotionally drained by caring too much. It’s
stress from wanting to help another person. When you minister to a
friend, he may leave feeling better, but now you’re absorbed in his prob-
lems emotionally as well as mentally.
This can happen for several reasons. It can be an overload if you’re
helping a number of hurting individuals at the same time. The desire
to help others is good, but you need to realize not everyone will be
helped and there are some who aren’t willing to take the necessary
steps to change. Some helpers end up with “mission failure” or they
say, “I didn’t help them enough.” This won’t happen to you. The Person
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7
You
Can Help
bringing the changes about will be the Lord. So as you help, you also
need to relinquish your friend to Jesus’ care and attention. Your value in
helping others is to be there for them. You’ll be a more effective helper
when you follow the helpful guidelines in this book, but don’t evaluate
your success based on how well the person you’re helping responds. As
a professional counselor for many years, I learned that sometimes help-
ers don’t get to see the results of our efforts as people move on. If you
are too empathetic and feel what your friend is feeling too much, you
will begin to carry his burdens around. That’s not your job. Remember,
the person you’re helping is in God’s hands, not yours.
If you have unresolved trauma in your life, be prepared to have it
activated when you work with someone who has experienced trauma.
What you hear may hit close to home.
What will especially impact you is helping children who have expe-
rienced trauma. This happens to even the most experienced profes-
sional helpers.
What can you do? Make sure you maintain balance in your life. You
need to allow time for tending to and nurturing yourself through the
Word, healthy friendships, exercise, recreation, devotional reading, and
laughter. You need to allow others to care for you too.
Sometimes you discover that helping certain friends is too draining.
You feel empty after every encounter. Your friend may need assistance
from someone other than you. Be aware of your thoughts. If you’re
constantly thinking about your friend’s problems and you don’t relin-
quish his issues to the Lord, you could end up in difficulties yourself.
Two resources you may want to read and recommend to those you help
are my books
Making Peace with Your Past and
A Better Way to Think.
Despite these risks, helping people is a God-given calling that pro-
vides many opportunities for you to comfort and enrich the lives of
those around you. When you actively participate with Him in this way,
you too will be incredibly blessed.
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9
Chapter 1
Called to Help
When a family member or friend tells you about a difficult life sit-
uation, a tragic accident, or even a life-threatening illness, you
want to help. You want to reach out and offer comfort and support.
Sadly, how to best do that is an area not taught very often. And even
when there are articles or classes on providing compassion, they’re usu-
ally cursory and unhelpful when it comes to real-life situations.
You’re not alone in your concern of how to help others. I know you
don’t want to say or do the wrong thing and inadvertently hurt the
people who come to you for help. And during a loss or crisis, you can’t
really rely on them to tell you what they really need. They may not
know or they may not have the energy it takes to tell you.
What can you say or do when someone comes to you…
• “I’ve just been told I have cancer… and it’s terminal.”
• “I just got a phone call. He’s dead… he’s been killed… my
husband.”
• “My daughter just told me she’s been molested for three
years.”
• “I was in the grocery store, and it was robbed. The gun
went off. I can’t even think right now.”
• “I went to school to pick up my son, and he wasn’t there.
They told me he was kidnapped!”
• “My husband just told me he wants a divorce. I’m shocked.
I didn’t know anything was wrong.”
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
10
One day I was sitting at the kitchen table in my daughter’s home
looking through a magazine while she fed her six-month-old daughter.
The phone rang and Sheryl answered the call while continuing to feed
her daughter. When she said, “Oh no. I’m so sorry to hear that. That
must have been a shock,” my ears perked up. Being a counselor, I was
intrigued so I continued to listen. It was apparent that her friend was in
some kind of distress. I observed Sheryl while she listened and reflected
back what she was hearing. She made statements like, “So you found
the evidence, and that’s what led you to confront him” and “You’re
sounding hurt and disappointed.” From time to time she asked ques-
tions: “Are any of your children aware of this?” and “How will she han-
dle this at her stage in life?” She also asked, “Had you thought about
this possibility?” and “Have you considered this?”
When her friend wasn’t sure or seemed to waver, Sheryl asked, “Is
that really your responsibility at this time… or is it his?” She was help-
ing her friend consider the best things to do and encouraging her to
take the necessary steps. “You’ve given him more than a chance and
trusted his word. Now it’s been broken. I think you know what to do.”
Then she helped her friend explore several options as well as the possi-
ble consequences. On several occasions she reflected and clarified while
her friend was thinking out loud. I could tell just from my daughter’s
comments and expressions that her friend was devastated. I thought
it was great that this caller had a trusted friend to talk to and help her
work through this life-changing event.
My daughter wasn’t judgmental in any way as she assisted her friend
in clarifying the problem. Her friend needed someone to give her sup-
port, someone to listen, someone to help her sort through the options,
and someone to help her stabilize her life at that time. After Sheryl
hung up, we talked about the situation for a while.
Sheryl made the comment, “I’m sure glad I’m not a counselor. I
wouldn’t want to do this for a living.” I just looked at her, smiled, and
said, “Oh sure. You’ve only done this for 15 years as a manicurist. You’ve
helped as many women as some counselors have while you were sit-
ting there doing their nails.” She laughed because it was true. She’s
helped many people who would never go to a professional counselor
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Called to Help
11
or a pastor. But her clients listened to Sheryl because of her listening
ability, her insights, her experiences, and her desire to help. And peo-
ple will listen to you too.
After more than forty years of being a counselor, I’m convinced that
as many as one-third to one-half of all the people I’ve seen didn’t need
to see me. That is, they wouldn’t have needed to see me if they’d had a
trained pastor, lay caregiver, or knowledgeable friend to meet with. I’m
all for professional counseling when it’s needed, but many issues can be
resolved with the help of a friend who has learned the simple skills to
help others. And, as Christians, ministering to people is part of our call-
ing! Unfortunately, many people back off from this aspect because they
don’t know what to say or do. That’s understandable, and I’m glad you
want to solve that problem. Even as a long-time counselor I sometimes
come across an issue I’m not sure how to handle. When that happens I
do some research and talk to people to learn what I need so I can help.
When it comes to helping people, there’s more to it than just feel-
ing comfortable talking and being knowledgeable about the particular
subject involved. You need to understand that your friend—the per-
son you’re helping—is probably not quite himself. He’s different. His
thinking is affected. His behavior might be erratic. His emotions are
probably off the scale. So how can you help your friend get back to
normal? The primary requirement is caring. Harold Smith described
the process so well:
Grief sharers always look for an opportunity to actively
care. You can never “fix” an individual’s grief, but you can
wash the sink full of dishes, listen to him or her talk, take
his or her kids to the park. You can never “fix” an individ-
ual’s grief, but you can visit the cemetery with him or her.
Grief sharing is not about fixing—it’s about showing up.
Coming alongside. Being interruptible. “Hanging out”
with the bereaving. In the words of World War II veterans,
“present and reporting for duty.”
The grief path is not a brief path. It’s a marathon, not a
sprint. 1
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
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What can you expect from a friend who is hurting? Actually, not
very much. And the more his experience moves beyond loss and closer
to crisis or trauma, the more this is true. Sometimes you’ll see a friend
experiencing a case of the “crazies.” His responses seem irrational. He’s
not himself. His behavior is different from or even abnormal compared
to a person not going through a major loss. Just remember he’s reacting
to an out-of-the-ordinary event. What he
experienced is abnormal, so
his
responseis actually quite normal. If what the person has experienced
is traumatic, he may even exhibit some of the symptoms of Attention
Deficit Disorder (ADD).
These are responses you
can expect. Your friend is no longer func-
tioning as he once did—and probably won’t for a while. And just
because your friend is this way, he is
notto be avoided. He needs you at
this time. He needs friends to support and encourage him.
You Are Needed!
When a person experiences a sudden intrusion or disruption in her
life, you are needed. If you or other friends aren’t available, the only
person she has to talk with for guidance, support, and direction is her-
self. And who wants support from someone struggling with a case of
the “crazies”?
A problem may arise if your friend doesn’t realize that she needs
you… or doesn’t realize she needs you at this
particular time. Your sen-
sitivity is needed at this point. Remember, when your friend is hurting
and facing a loss, you too are dealing with a loss. The relationship you
had with your friend has changed. It’s not the same. It’s no longer equal.
You may feel as though you’re the giver and your friend is the taker.
Your relationship is off balance. The sharing the two of you had before
has changed. The give-and-take you used to experience has vanished.
What’s important to you doesn’t seem as important to your friend right
now. Your life and experiences have taken a backseat to the present
experiences of your friend.
Your friend in mourning—though he doesn’t perceive him-
self that way—is self-centered. You simply cannot exist for
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Called to Help
13
him as a whole person, probably for a very long time. This
can be hard on relationships. Friends get weary of ceasing
to be perceived as human beings with feelings and prob-
lems and hopes in their own right. They get weary of being
there for the other person in seemingly a one-sided rela-
tionship. But suffice it to say that your friend in mourning
will not be able to empathize with you about things involv-
ing you for many months—or maybe years. 2
And that’s okay even though it can be difficult. You can’t put a time
limit on your role as a helper or giver. This may get old for you, espe-
cially when it stretches on for months. And remember that when your
relationship gets back to normal, it will be a “new” normal. It won’t be
the same. Sometimes a hurting friend ends up feeling resentful over
being dependent on you while at the same time appreciating all you’ve
done for her. And sometime your friend may do the same for you.
What Can You Do Right Now?
You can listen even when your friend isn’t talking. Sometimes she’s
not able to talk, but your attentive presence lets her know you’re ready
to listen. Let her know you want to hear her story when she’s up to
talking about it.
If your friend is devastated and coming apart at the seams or sitting
there stunned, you can’t make her feel better or “fix” her or the situa-
tion. When you try, it’s often to help you feel useful and relieve your
anxiety of seeing someone in this state. We all tend to do that. Remem-
ber, you can never be all you want to be or all your friend wants you
to be for her. 3
What else can you expect? The world your friend experiences now
won’t be your world. Often she will retreat into her world and not let
you in. Because of what she’s going through, your activities may not
seem as significant as they once did. You may reevaluate your own stan-
dards and values. Your family may see how your friend’s problems are
changing you, and they may pressure you to back away from her. They
want
you back to normal.
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
14
Yes, you will be hurt at times since some of what you offer or do for
your friend will be rejected. Because you haven’t experienced the same
loss, she may feel uncomfortable with you—while at the same time she
wants and asks for your help. Remember, your friend is not function-
ing normally. In your heart and mind, give her
permission not to be as she was. If something
is said or she didn’t respond how you expected,
you may wonder, “Did I say something wrong?
Am I off base?”The answer is no. You’re dealing
with her unpredictability in the midst of her
crisis.
You are all right and doing fine.
You may be tempted at times to set your
friend straight spiritually. You might hear her
say, “I thought I could count on God, but even
He let me down” or “How could a loving God let something like that
happen?” You may even hear, “I think I’m losing my faith in God. I
can’t even pray anymore.” Squelch your desire to quote Bible verses,
recommend a specific spiritual book, or offer answers for why she may
be interpreting the situation that way. Instead, be glad she’s sharing
where she is spiritually. Respond with simple expressions of support:
“Yes, what’s happened doesn’t make much sense, does it? It’s hard to
understand. I wish I had an answer for you.” Or you can just listen and
reflect back to her what you’re hearing.
There will be times when your friend doesn’t want you around. If
you sense that might be the case, ask, “What would be more comfort-
able for you at this time—for me to be here with you or for me to give
you some space? I can do either.” Let your friend know that you won’t
be offended if she doesn’t want you there. If your presence isn’t needed,
gently say, “I’ll check back with you another time to see what I can do
to assist you,” and then quietly leave. She is not rejecting you. She’s
dealing with her crisis the best she can and just needs some space.
And since no one is a mind reader, there will be times when you
don’t have any idea what your friend needs. Let her know it’s all right
for her to tell you specifically, even if it’s just saying, “I don’t know.”
Reassure your
friend that what
he or she is
experiencing
is normal and
natural.
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Called to Help
15
You’re going to read this next statement several times in this book
because of its importance:
The best support you can give your friend is to
normalize her feelings. This simply means reassuring her that what she
is experiencing is normal and natural. She isn’t crazy, and she isn’t going
crazy. This assurance may provide the greatest relief of all. To give it,
however, means
you need to understand what someone usually expe-
riences from loss or trauma. (We’ll discuss trauma specifically in chap-
ters 6 and 7.)
Biblical Wisdom for Helping
How can you help a friend? There are many elements involved.
Proverbs 3:5-6 instructs us to “lean on, trust in, and be confident in the
Lord with all your heart and mind and do not rely on your own insight
or understanding. In all your ways know, recognize, and acknowledge
Him, and He will direct and make straight and
plain your paths” (amp). A similar thought is
found in Proverbs 15:28: “The mind of the
[uncompromisingly] righteous studies how to
answer, but the mouth of the wicked pours out
evil things” (amp, brackets in original).
Even with all their years of training and
experience, professional counselors frequently
wonder what they should do or say. This expe-
rience prompts all of us to go “back to the need.” You’ll find yourself
there time and time again. If you assist your friend out of your own
strength, mistakes will be made. We all need to rely on the power and
wisdom of God.
Helping others includes experiencing genuine interest and love for
them. You can rely on the power of God for that love. If it’s not there,
you can’t fake it. Your friends will know if you are. “Oil and perfume
rejoice the heart; so does the sweetness of a friend’s counsel that comes
from the heart” (Proverbs 27:9 amp). It’s so easy to toss off an answer
or response that’s superficial, but it won’t meet your friend’s need. And
because it doesn’t deal with the problem she’ll be disappointed. Ask
yourself, “How do I really feel about this person who needs help? Am I
Helping others
includes experi-
encing genuine
interest and love
for them.
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
16
genuinely concerned?” If you aren’t, pray about the situation and your
attitude. Perhaps you’re not the one supposed to help. You’ll be drawn
to help some and not others. It could be their problems are beyond you,
overwhelm you, or activate unresolved issues in your life.
Communicating Gently
To help someone, you need to know when to speak and when
enough has been said:
In a multitude of words transgression is not lacking, but
he who restrains his lips is prudent (Proverbs 10:19 amp).
Don’t talk so much. You keep putting your foot in your
mouth. Be sensible and turn off the flow! (10:19 tlb).
He who belittles and despises his neighbor lacks sense, but
a man of understanding keeps silent (Proverbs 11:12 amp).
The smart person says very little, and one with understand-
ing stays calm (Proverbs 17:27 ncv).
Even fools seem to be wise if they keep quiet; if they don’t
speak, they appear to understand (17:28 ncv).
Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more
hope for a [self-confident] fool than for him (29:20 amp,
brackets in original).
Being hasty means you blurt out what you’re thinking without con-
sidering the effect it might have on others. If you’re an extrovert, you
probably need to talk while thinking something through. Extroverts
tend to speak first and then realize what they’ve said later. When you’re
ministering to a hurting friend and he shares something that shocks
you, don’t feel you have to respond immediately. This might be a time
to hold back and get your thoughts in order. I’ve heard people say, “You
did
what?” in response to someone, and it immediately shut down
communication. Instead, take a few moments to pray and ask God to
give you the best words. Then formulate what you want to say carefully.
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Called to Help
17
You could say, “Give me some time to respond to that” or “I need a few
minutes to go through what you said.” This takes the pressure off you
and your friend.
Another passage that reflects the idea of understanding is Proverbs
25:20 (ncv): “Singing songs to someone who is sad is like taking away
his coat on a cold day or pouring vinegar on soda.” Being joyful, mak-
ing sarcastic comments, telling jokes, or making statements like “Snap
out of it” are inappropriate when someone is deeply hurting and suf-
fering. Your friend needs to know that being emotional in difficult sit-
uations is normal, and you’re okay with it.
If you don’t know what to say, one of the best things to do is
ask
for information: “Tell me more about it” or “What are you thinking
about this?”
Timing is yet another important communication consideration. “A
man has joy making an apt answer, and a word spoken at the right
moment—how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23 amp). A wise response
or answer needs to be spoken at the right moment to be heard and
accepted. “A word fitly spoken and in due season is like apples of gold
in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11 amp).
Being Discreet but Thinking Safety
Keeping confidences is foundational to helping people. Do you
keep a confidence when a friend shares something with you? This
adage applies to your friend as well as to you: “Gossips can’t keep secrets,
so avoid people who talk too much” (Proverbs 20:19 ncv).“Gossips
can’t keep secrets, but a trustworthy person can” (11:13 ncv). Undoubt-
edly most of us have had the temptation to share an interesting tidbit
about someone with others. Yes, even confidences from friends. And
the more shocking it is, the more we’re tempted to share. But such con-
versation is a violation of trust and friendship. Tremendous damage
can be done, especially when your friend is in such a vulnerable state.
“He who guards his mouth and his tongue keeps himself from troubles”
(Proverbs 21:23 amp). So when you’re told sensitive information, use
your best judgment about confidentiality. Ask God to help you bury
confidential information deep inside or you can give it to the Lord and
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What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say
18
let it go so it won’t be on the tip of your tongue. Remember, your friend
is in an emotional state and might not guard what she says as much as
she usually would. If you’re unsure, ask your friend whether the infor-
mation is okay to share with her family or other friends.
There are some circumstances and situations that cancel the usual
confidentiality principles. If your friend is self-harming, suicidal, or
threatening harm to someone else, get immediate help and make sure
everyone stays safe.
Offering Advice
On many occasions all of us have struggled and friends have given
us advice—some good, some not so good. And sometimes the advice
was good but not what we needed at that time. In fact, it’s possible we
could receive five different viewpoints if we asked five different peo-
ple. Then we’re left wondering,
What do I do now? Whose advice should
I follow?
If you have suggestions for someone struggling, give them in tenta-
tive form so the person can choose or have input. “What if you did… ?”
“Have you considered… ?” “What possibilities have you come up with?”
A safety factor you can employ if you’re going to give advice is to give
several alternatives. Don’t say to a person, “This is what you need to
do.” If you do that, you assume responsibility for the solution and out-
come, and if your suggestion doesn’t work, the person may come back
and say, “You really gave me stupid advice. It didn’t work, and made
things worse. It’s your fault.” Offering several suggestions in a tentative
way not only is safer for you, but it also helps your friend think through
the scenarios better. Most people have the ability to resolve their prob-
lems, but they often need the encouragement to do so.
Considering Confrontation
One of the ways of helping a friend is gentle confrontation when
you see him heading down the wrong path. Confrontation is not
attacking the person. He may already be feeling guilty and ashamed so
for him to experience judgment or condemnation rather than a gentle
nudge seems like nothing less than rejection.
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Confronting another person should only be considered when
you’ve experienced empathy for the person. “Confrontation” is an
act
of grace. It’s done to reveal discrepancies or distortions in someone’s
intended direction or thinking. Confrontation is also used to chal-
lenge and strengthen underdeveloped and unused skills and resources
of your friend.
Your purpose in confronting your friend is to help him make bet-
ter decisions for himself, become more accepting of where he is in life,
and be less destructive and more productive. “Wounds from a friend
can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses” (Proverbs 27:6). “A
rebuke impresses a discerning person more than a hundred lashes a
fool” (Proverbs 17:10).
Remember, you can’t use the same approach for every person. You
need to be sensitive to the person’s needs and personality. Your adapt-
ability is important. “We earnestly beseech you, brethren, admonish
(warn and seriously advise) those who are out of line…
encourage the
timid and fainthearted, help and give your support to the weak souls, [and]
be very patient with everybody [always keeping your temper]” (1 Thes-
salonians 5:14 amp, brackets in original).
How do you confront with grace? Not with anger or with a state-
ment that casts judgment. You may want to point out that what some-
one is doing is irresponsible or even dumb, but you’ll offend and even
sever the relationship by doing that. Your friend needs to hear care and
concern in your voice. Confrontation should be done in a soft manner
with statements such as, “I wonder if… ” “Could it be… ?” “Is it possi-
ble… ?” “Does this make sense to you?” and “How do you react to this
perception?” Using questions, lead the person to what you want him to
consider. Practice asking the questions out loud again and again until
they’re a comfortable part of your helping reservoir of wise approaches.
Offering Help and Hope
Another principle we find in the Word of God is helping and edify-
ing. Some of these passages might be familiar to you. “Carry each other’s
burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ” (Galatians
6:2). “Let us then definitely aim for and eagerly pursue what makes for
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harmony and for mutual upbuilding (edification and development)
of one another” (Romans 14:19 amp). The word
edify, which is part
of helping, means “to hold up or to promote growth in Christian wis-
dom, grace, virtue, and holiness.” Helping includes edification. Help-
ing means “assisting a person to do something for her betterment.” Ask
yourself, “Is what I’m sharing with that person going to cause her to
grow in Christ and assist her to be strong?” A friend might come to you
and say, “I really want you to help me.” What does she mean by
help?
She might mean agreeing with her point of view or even taking her side.
That is where you can get into difficulty. You want to avoid taking sides.
Another way of helping others is giving encouragement. “Anxiety
in a man’s heart weighs it down, but an encouraging word makes it glad”
(Proverbs 12:25 amp).“Encourage (admonish, exhort) one another and
edify (strengthen and build up) one another, just as you are doing”
(1 Thessalonians 5:11 amp). The
American Heritage Dictionary offers
one of the better definitions of
encourage : “tendency or disposition
to expect the best possible outcome, or to dwell on the most hopeful
aspect of a situation.” When this is your attitude or perspective, you’ll
be able to encourage others. Encouragement is “to inspire; to continue
on a chosen course; to impart courage or confidence.” Encouragement
is recognizing the other person as having worth and dignity. It means
paying attention to her when she is sharing with you. It’s listening to
her in a way that lets her know she’s being listened to. “When Apollos
wanted to go to Achaia, the brothers and sisters
encouraged him and
wrote to the disciples there to welcome him” (Acts 18:27). The word
encourage here means “to urge forward or persuade.” In 1 Thessalo-
nians 5:11, which I just shared with you,
encouragemeans “to stimulate
another person to the ordinary duties of life.”
Scripture uses a variety of words to describe both our involvement
with others as well as the actual relationship.
Urge (Greek,
parakaleo)
means to “beseech or exhort.” It is intended to create an environment
of urgency to listen and respond to a directive. It is a mildly active verb
Paul used: “I
urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy,
to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—
this is your true and proper worship” (Romans 12:1) and “I always
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thank my God for you because of his grace given you in Christ Jesus”
(1 Corinthians 1:4).
The word
encourage (Greek,
paramutheomai) means “to console,
comfort, and cheer up.” This process includes elements of understand-
ing, redirecting thoughts, and a general shifting of focus from the neg-
ative to the positive. In the context of the verse, it refers to the timid
individual who is discouraged and ready to give up. It’s a matter of
loaning your faith and hope to the person until her own develops.
Help (Greek,
anechomai) primarily consists of “taking interest
in, being devoted to, rendering assistance, or holding up spiritually
and emotionally.” It is not so much active involvement as a passive
approach. It suggests the idea of coming alongside a person and sup-
porting her. “We urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle
and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient
with everyone” (1 Thessalonians 5:14). In the context of that verse,
help
seems to refer to those who are incapable of helping themselves.
Hebrews 3:13 says we’re to “encourage one another daily.” In the set-
ting of this verse,
encouragementis associated with protecting a believer
from callousness. Hebrews 10:25 refers to “encouraging one another.”
This time
encouraging means to keep someone on her feet who, if left
to herself, would collapse. Your encouragement serves like the concrete
pilings of a structural support.
Involvement and empathy are the scriptural basis for helping, and
empathy is one of the most important commodities for helping. It’s
viewing the situation through your friend’s eyes and feeling as she feels.
The scriptural admonition to bear one another’s burdens and rejoice
with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep reveals empa-
thy (Galatians 6:2; Romans 12:15).
Empathy involves discrimination, the ability to distinguish through
discernment how the other person is looking at the world. You want to
get inside the other person and see the world through her perspective
or frame of reference to get a feeling for what her world is like. You also
want to communicate to your friend this understanding in such a man-
ner that she realizes you have picked up on her feelings and, to some
extent, her behavior. This is a learned skill. Be patient with yourself as
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you develop this ability. You want to see with your friend’s eyes what
her world is like. For instance, it’s being able to see another person’s joy,
to understand what underlies that joy, and to communicate this under-
standing to the person. Can you do this? Yes!
One of my favorite true stories that describes how significant a per-
son’s presence can be in the life of another comes from a doctor:
Barbara received another three courses of chemotherapy,
but the tumor seemed to shrug off the drugs. The depos-
its grew in her liver and in her bones. She lost weight and
spent most of the time in bed. After the last cycle of che-
motherapy, I admitted her to the hospital with a high fever.
Antibiotics stemmed an early bacterial infection.
As Barbara slowly recovered from the infection, I told
myself I knew of no drugs, either standard or experimen-
tal, that stood a real chance of ameliorating her condition.
The time had come for me to tell her.
I chose to visit in the early evening, when the hubbub of the
hospital had settled down, so there would be less chance of
distraction and interruption. Barbara greeted me warmly,
as she always did. I moved a chair close to the bedside and
grasped her hand. She returned the gesture, but it had little
force. After we chatted for a short time about several arti-
cles in the day’s newspaper, I began to break the bad news.
“Barbara, we’ve known each other for well over a year, and
we’ve been honest with each other every step of the way.”
Briefly, her lips trembled, and then she regained her com-
posure. Her eyes told me she knew what I was about to say.
“I know of no medicine that I can give at this point to help
you.”
We sat in heavy silence.
Barbara shook her head. “No, Jerry,” she said. “You do have
something to give. You have the medicine of friendship.” 4
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Be open to God’s leading at this time. May the words of a man who
gave his life for others on September 11, 2001, at the World Trade Cen-
ter guide you:
Lord, take me where You want me to go,
Let me meet whom You want me to meet.
Help me to say what You want me to say.
And keep me from getting in Your way! 5
Father Mychal Judge
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