Assertiveness
and
Conflict Management:
Background and Techniques
How to be assertive
and manage conflict on the HCHC campus.
Athina-Eleni
G. Mavroudhis, M.S.
Introduction
- Thank the group
for inviting me back and giving me the opportunity to present on Assertiveness
and Conflict Management.
- Important for
females to be assertive and be able manage conflict especially in a
pre-dominantly male campus such as HCHC.
- Can you think
of a situation, either on or off-campus, where being more assertive
would have helped you in better managing a conflict?
Asserting
Yourself
Definition: What is Assertiveness
and what does being Assertive mean?
- ��expressing
personal rights and feelings.��
- ��an
attitude and a way of acting in any situation where you need to:
- express your feelings
- ask for what you
want
- say no to something
you don��t
want
Why is it important to
be assertive?
- how you interact
with others can be a source of considerable stress in your life.
- Can alleviate
stress and make you feel more relaxed.
- Develop self-respect
and self-worth.
Lacking
Assertiveness
What causes a lack in
Assertiveness?
- If you are phobic
or anxiety-prone you might have difficulty making requests or saying
no to family members or close friends.
- Growing up in
a family where you felt the need to be perfect and please your parents,
you��ve
remained a ��People
Pleaser��
as an adult.
What does lacking Assertiveness
cause:
- Doing things you
don��t
want to do creates RESENTMENT, which in turn produces tension
which is the source of conflict in your relationships.
Mistaken
Traditional Assumptions
- Distribute
Mistaken Traditional Assumptions Handout
and discuss certain items.
- How you were taught
to deal with conflict by teachers, parents, grown ups while growing
up. Have you ever encountered any of these before?
- It is selfish
to put your needs before others�� needs.
- It is shameful
to make mistakes. You should have the appropriate response for
every occasion.
- If you can��t
convince others that your feelings are reasonable, then they must be
wrong, or maybe you��re going crazy!
What can
I do to become more assertive?
- Assertiveness
Training (AT)
- Learning to be
Assertive
Assertiveness
Training
What is it?
- The goal of assertiveness
training is to increase the number and variety of situations in which
assertive behavior is possible, and decrease occasions of passive
collapse or hostile blow–up.
AT is found to be effective
in dealing with:
- Depression
- Anger
- Resentment
- Interpersonal
Anxiety
Assertiveness
Training Examples
You are assertive when:
- You stand up for
your rights in such a way that the rights of others are not violated.
- Beyond just demanding
your rights, you can express your personal likes and interests spontaneously.
- You can talk
about yourself without being self-conscious.
- You can accept
compliments comfortably.
- You can disagree
with someone openly.
- You can ask for
clarification.
- You can say
No!
- You can be more
relaxed in interpersonal situations.
Assertiveness
Training (AT) Process
- Aggressive
Style
- Passive Style
- Assertive Style
- Distribute
What��s
Your Style Handout
1) Aggressive
Style
- Typical examples
of aggressive behavior: fighting, accusing, threatening, and generally
stepping on people without regard for their feelings.
- The advantage
of this kind of behavior is that people do not push the aggressive person
around.
- The disadvantage
is that people do not want to be around him or her.
2) Passive
Style
- A person is behaving
passively when he lets others push him around, when he does not stand
up for himself, and when he does what he is told, regardless of how
he feels about it.
- The advantage
of being passive is that you rarely experience direct rejection or conflict
with others.
- The disadvantage
is that you are taken advantage of, and you store up a heavy burden
which could lead to internal conflict that could manifest itself in
resentment and anger.
3) Assertive
Style
- A person is behaving
assertively when she stands up for herself, expresses her true feelings,
and does not let others take advantage of her. At the same time, she
is considerate of others�� feelings.
- The advantage
of being assertive is that you get what you want, usually without making
others mad.
- If you are assertive,
you can act in your own best interest and not feel guilty or wrong about
it.
- Meekness and
withdrawal, attack and blame are no longer needed with the mastery of
assertive behavior.
- They are seen
for what they are – sadly inadequate strategies of escape
that create more pain and stress that they prevent. Before you can achieve
assertive behavior you must face the fact that the passive and aggressive
styles have often failed to get you what you want.
Learning
to be Assertive
Learning to be Assertive
involves working on yourself, in 6 distinct areas:
- Developing Non-Verbal
Assertive Behaviors
- Recognizing and
being willing to exercise your basic rights as a human being
- Becoming aware
of your own unique feelings, needs and wants.
- Practicing assertive
responses–
first through writing and role-playing and then in real life.
- Assertiveness
on the Spot
- Learning to say
NO!
1. Developing
Nonverbal Assertive Behaviors
- Looking directly
at another person when addressing them.
- Looking away conveys
the message that you��re not quite sure about asking for
what you want.
- Maintaining an
open rather than closed posture.
- Do not back off
or move away from the other person while in dialogue.
- The expression: ��Standing
your ground.�� really applies here.
- Stay calm.
2. Recognizing
and Exercising Your Basic Rights
- Distribute
Personal Bill of Rights Handout.
- Developing assertiveness
involves recognizing that you, just as much as anyone else, have a right
to all of the things listed under the Personal Bill of Rights.
- Read through the
PBR and reflect on your willingness to believe in and exercise each
one.
3. Becoming
Aware of Your Own Unique Feelings, Needs, and Wants
2) What it is you want
or don��t
want.
- If your feeling
confused or ambivalent about your wants or needs, take time to clarify
them first by writing them out or talking them out with a supportive
friend and/or counselor.
- Need to make your
needs known. Other people are not ��mind readers.��
4. Practicing
Assertive Responses
- Describe your
problem situation.
- Specify the ��who,�� ��when,�� ��what,�� ��how,��
the ��fear,��
and the ��goal.��
- Develop an
Assertive Response
- Evaluate your
rights within the situation.
- Designate a time
for discussing what you want.
- Address the main
person involved, state the problem in terms of its consequences for
you.
4. Practicing
Assertive Responses continued��
- First person statements
(I felt sad��.)
acknowledge your responsibility for your feelings while second person
statements (You said��.) generally accuse or judge.
- Use assertive
nonverbal behavior.
- Establish eye
contact, maintain open posture, stay calm.
- Keep request simple.
- Avoid asking for
multiple things.
- Be specific.
- Don��t
apologize for your request.
- Make requests,
not demands or commands.
5. Assertiveness
on the Spot
- Many daily situations
arise that challenge you to be assertive spontaneously.
- Assertive on the
Spot Steps:
- Evaluate your
rights.
- Make your requests.
-Nonjudgmental,
non-blaming
-Always
a request, not a demand
-Use
a monotonous, non-aggressive tone if dealing with a
stranger and/or adult.
- State the problem
in terms of its consequences.
- Express your feelings.
- State the consequences
of gaining (or not gaining) cooperation.
6. Learning
to Say NO
- Saying no means
that you set limits on other people��s demands for your time and energy
when such demands conflict with your own needs and desires. It
also means you can do this without feeling guilty.
- Saying No to
aggressive individuals requires making statement stronger and more emphatic:
- Look directly
in the eyes
- Raise the level
of your voice slightly
- Assert your position: ��I
said no thank you.��
6.
Learning to Say No continued...
- Dealing with
acquaintances, friends, and family sometimes requires us to give an
explanation:
- Acknowledge the
other person��s
request by repeating it.
- Explain your reason
for declining.
- Say ��no.��
- If appropriate,
suggest an alternative proposal where both your and the other person��s
needs will be met.
- Watch out for
guilt.
Conflict
Management
- What is Conflict?
- Conflict is a ��creative
opportunity��
- a chance to reexamine
a problem and come up with a novel solution.
- Conflict is a
natural part of the college life process, especially when people are
living in close quarters.
Ways to
Manage Conflict
- Expect conflicts
to happen and don��t
be overwhelmed by them.
- Recognize perspectives
are not right or wrong, but they definitely can be different.
- Chill out.
- Before you confront
someone about a conflict, make sure you��re calm enough to have an intelligent
conversation.
- Figure out what
you want, then consider your options.
- Is it realistic
and practical?
- Make time and
space for conversation.
- Tell your full
side, then listen to other person.
- Brainstorm Solutions.
- Write down many
ideas to resolves the conflict.
Ways to
Manage Conflict continued��
- Go for a win-win
and then check in.
- Look for ways
that both people can benefit from a resolution.
- After coming up
with a solution, set up a time to check in with the other person to
make sure that things are working out for both or you.
- Recognize that
electronic communication is tricky.
- E-mail or IM may
be misinterpreted or insulting to send to someone living in close quarters.
* As much
as you��d
like to fix your friend��s annoying habits, the only person
you can control is YOU.
The End
Thank you!!
Questions
and Answers??
